A spell to rid yourself of noisy neighbours | The Boy Who Could But Didn't

24 September, 2005

A spell to rid yourself of noisy neighbours

For all you new age Wiccan enthusiasts out there, here is a very simple spell to remove the troublesome aspects of a juvenile low income socio-economic bracket soirée that continues long into the night, blasting out quite audible dirge long into the early hours, and ending with a cricket-like cocophany of teenagers rutting in the bushes below your window.

You will need:

athame of Venger

libation

olive oil and bread (for offerings and grounding of energy)

belladonna and garlic (for banishing)

lavender oil (for purification)

candles

1) Light the belladonna and hurl it through open window. The stench should banish the drunken insects from the immediate vicinity.
2) Enter the house and stab “dj” repeatedly in head with athame.
3) Use candles to set fire to building.
4) Leave building calmly, but not before changing the dirge house music to something fitting, such as Barber’s Adagio or the theme tune from Terry and June.
5) Heat large cup of lavender oil on stove. Pour into the eyes of rutting teenagers. Yeah, “oh my God, oh my God!” that you bestial chav bitch.
6) Chop and sprinkle the garlic, with some olive oil, onto bread. Heat, eat and consume.
7) Drink libation.
8) Watch Alan Partridge, Doctor Who or Star Trek undisturbed.
9) Belch contentedly.
10) The ritual is ended. Blessed be.

I really HATE thoughtless bottom feeding life polluters.