this song reminds me of home – my real home – and the smell of the sea at night, the warmth of my friends behind the frost of the north wind. yet my heart longs for elsewhere. lyrics that lick at memories, remembering eyes looking at me, and arms late at night. It hurts. Behind the eyes, in my chest, my stomach, along my jaw. what are these places? it makes no sense. and why now? why do i miss these things now? why is it every so often I have to endure the horrific sweet horror of the certainty that these were perfect. that there was only one. that the one is gone. i put this song on again, and it goes on and on, round and round. why does it blur the sea with him so perfectly as if he were there? because they were the two things i loved the most and lost? what else will this song remind me of then in a year? is there anything left to find between the lyrics? i am lonely. there are times when the space between the atoms manifests itself as a call for company. i am so lost in myself, i no longer know what tenderness is. these can’t be my feelings, these aren’t my own tears biting behind my own eyes. i feel like a past life manifest, a sad little tree in a desert at night. i see stars, inky blue skies making the sweeping red dunes seem purple as the sun yields to the pale milk of the moon. and yet i see it alone. is this my curse then? to see beauty, but to only see beauty alone? is this what it is to be a ghost? am i a ghost? is love the ghost that possesses me? maybe it’s the tea i made. too much rosemary – just chemicals prodding at dormant synapses that withered all, long ago. blood and electricity rushing through dry, dead and rotten tubes, long left abandoned to the memory of memories themselves having once lived there. is that the irony? to be able to talk to god but to have nothing to say? in the red light i watch the steam of this potion twist and curl like… like i do not know what. i began to drink it before it was even made – just this urge, compulsion for it, when everything became fuzzy and distant, and i slowly began to slip back into somewhere deep within my mind, watching the world from one foot behind my eyes. i must tidy this room. must go wash these sheets. perhaps this is my life passing peacefully before my eyes. the moment seems to have past. reality seems to have crept back into the steam – the candlesmoke. and yet the world still seems quite not real. what is real? is love real? is loss real? is god real? i want to touch the universe to feel complete. i no longer trust humans enough to touch god through them. their love is impure, immature. i can see him, he is watching tv, glasses, cat next to him, still in his work clothes. he is foolish and he makes mistakes. but he was the last human i think i found i could love. for that, he will always be special i think. but the moment has passed. normality has returned. it is here to stay. but for no longer than today.
