no no no i won’t take your nasty medicine. you sluiced it all. it meant nothing but still you put it in - took it out. so easy. can’t do can’t can’t do. stuttering like i was a child again. death. that was what i came here to say. death. i sat on the platform last night, on the bus. i thought about death. i held my breath and wondered how long it would take. i imagined my skin turning to leather and my eyes melting to white pulp. i haven’t thought about such things for years. another form of medication i guess. it’s insidious - if they can’t shove it into your mouth they put a stitch in your time. everyone’s so kind. everyone just wants to help. they want to help you to be just like them. people disappoint. friends can’t be there for ever and clumsy lovers always want too much or too little. love just never materialises. not anymore. but that’s okay. you have to accept the nature of the illness and move on. what is it you want of me? do you want anything of me? i can’t just be here, can i? i can’t just be existing? i cannot even feel. why can i not feel? how I can just be here to just exist but not even feel? where did my feelings go? drained in the blisters you lanced for my own good good good. because you thought they were ugly. those weren’t blisters, they were my eyes, brown like the moon isn’t and bumbling as it lies, silently, but sparkling blue from within. everyone has brown eyes you know, deep down. i am half dead already because you’re a thief. because you took it all from me. why? why did you do that to me? i don’t care. i care too much. i’m so tired all the time. nothing seems real anymore. everything seems pretend - arbitrary, meaningless, predictable. i was chasing something once. someone maybe. now i don’t remember. now i chase anything in case it might be the thing i lost. i’ve moved beyond it all. i’ve fallen so far far behind. a smiling carcass with dominant-gene-brown eyes. i’ve always hated my eyes, and the person who gawps moronically out at the beautiful hateful simple world from behind them.