14 July, 2007
I’m outside on my balcony. Everything’s where it should be. My laptop is on my lap, my cigarette and its ash are in the ashtray. I’m glugging Port from the bottle and the sun is shining. Peri The Jasmine Plant needs watering. iTunes is playing and the song lyrics are singing to me - ‘make your own kind of music, even if nobody else sings along.’
The world is alive with taunting life - a hornet buzzing beside me, for one. They say their stings are out of this world. A magpie perched upon the roof. “Hello, Mr Magpie.” Hornet loves the jasmine, but is disappointed by her drying leaves.
I’m sitting here trying to write, trying to think, trying not to remember who I am and The State That I Am In™. I’ve been thinking about, you know, stuff. A lot of stuff. What I want to do, where I’m going. Boys. I’ve been thinking about boys. Why I cannot really fall in love anymore. Whenever the last time I ever really did I can no longer remember. Have I ever? How impossible it is to survive in human society without their god. I understand my fellow human less and less as I get older and older. If I lose any more weight I’ll slip through the next drain I walk over and wake up with the trolls.
Have brain will eat itself.
All I ask for is a long coat, and a street to walk her by. There was a town once, a little town by the sea. Perhaps I left my soul there. Things seem to be moving on much faster than they used to.
But still, with these tired lungs scratched with smoke and burnt with ethanol, there’s the breeze. Oxygen’s weird, ain’t it? It’s always there. You can always breathe the world in wherever you are - sip the cool breeze like you did lemonade when you were little. In. Hold. Out. It tastes different sometimes but it’s always the same ingredients. There’s nothing happening here. Nothing going on but life.
I’m afraid of the hornet, sating itself on the dry leaves of my plant. I go back inside my human cave for another day. Cry, run away, run. The world is a cruel, beautiful and frightening place.
Unless I’m much mistaken, this sounds like my balcony. It’s a bit of a mess out there, so if you wouldn’t mind giving it a quick clean while you’re out there, I’d be hugely appreciative. Thank you.
[Wonderful writing …]
Comment by An Unreliable Witness — 14 July, 2007, 8:19 pm
"The world is alive with taunting life…"
I don’t even know you but your taunting words breathe MY world to life.
Comment by Ani — 14 July, 2007, 10:58 pm
I can imagine the visual you painted here for us. Sounds lovely. The older I get, the less I know, I’ve heard that said before. We make it up as we go along. It keeps the spontaneity factor up!
Falling in love - Are you in the Ocean or sitting on the shore, or are you in a boat waiting for another ship to pass you by?
We can’t fall in love by direction, and as beautiful as you are - I can’t imagine that you would be alone for any long period of time. You know, they say that we cannot learn to swim by reading a book.
Harry Potter says that having something to fight for is meaningful with people that will fight along side you.
Can you tell I saw Harry Potter last night. Fabulous..
Now Madge is on the DVD from Merry Ole England…
How gayer can it get?
Hang in there Ben.
Cheers
Jeremy
Comment by jeremy — 15 July, 2007, 12:59 am
AUW - Thank you, yours also I’m finding. I tried giving your balcony a sweep and its cobwebs a dust. I even tried to pick some flowers for your windowbox, but they withered all.
Ani - I think you do know me. As I think I know you.
Jeremy - I like the ocean metaphor, mostly because I miss living by the sea. But I don’t think I deserve it. I am the sheep in wolf’s clothing. And Mr Potter and I have a long history of animosity. We know nod tersely at one another when we pass in the street, but we’re by no means good friends. I do have my companions though, and I love them more than anything.
It’s easy to tell who your real friends are. They’re the ones who are always right beside you. The ones who never leave you alone.
Comment by Ben — 15 July, 2007, 9:45 am
nothing much going on here either, but I really like your words….
Comment by isabelle — 21 July, 2007, 8:38 pm